Why Didn’t You Tell Me?!

Why People Don’t Share Their Pain in the Midst of Their Struggle

I used to think, “Why would I tell anyone what I am going through? It seems to do more harm, than good. I’ll just keep this to myself. It doesn’t feel great, but at least I’m not making the pain worse.”

Now that I am on the other side of some of my biggest trials and tribulations I know that this way of thinking just isn’t true. I also believe that Satan wants us to believe these ideas.

Below are 5 reasons that I have kept my hardships to myself in the past. I have also included truth to combat these mindsets. I know that you can relate to most, if not all, of these thoughts and feelings.

1.They Say They Understand

There are several people that have experienced the death of a loved one, abuse, infertility, divorce, mental illness, financial struggles, etc. But each person’s journey through these tough times is personal given everyone’s unique circumstances.

• Sometimes people have an understanding of what it is you are saying, but they have not been in or lived out a similar situation. 
• Saying they understand because a friend or relative has experienced the same trials doesn’t help either.
• You are in tremendous amounts of pain (physical, emotion, mental, some, all), and no matter how much you explain it, they will not be able to feel how you are feeling. You wouldn’t want them to anyway.
• Your current circumstances consume your thoughts and actions all day, every day. As soon as they walk away from this conversation, they are able to move on with their day.

Truth: Yes, you are the only one that knows exactly how you feel. However, finding people that have been through something similar helps you not feel so alone. Isolating yourself only compounds your pain. Finding others that can RELATE to what you are going through in a healthy, positive way will help you in ways you couldn’t imagine. Try it.

2. Not Sure of the Outcome

When you share your pain with someone, they often assure you that “everything will be okay.” How do they know? Do they have a crystal ball? They can’t promise you that. Maybe they can relate, but just because they made it out of the woods does not guarantee that you will too. 

• These words of encouragement are difficult to lean on when the doctors aren’t able to diagnosis your symptoms, and the odds are stacked against you. 
• How can things ever be “okay” when every time you turn around your world is falling apart? There are events that can’t be undone and problems that can’t be fixed.
• “Okay” … My dreams and visions were set far above being just “okay.” This is not how I pictured my life turning out.
• You’ve told yourself that things are going to be okay, but things are not getting better no matter how hard you try. You don’t want to get your hopes up … again.

Truth: Faith is ultimately what got me through my difficult times. Faith is believing in things unseen (2 Corinthians 4:18). Not sure how things could possibly turn out okay? Turn to God and ask him to strengthen your faith and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6). I have not always gotten answers, but I’ve always been comforted by taking my struggles to God and Godly people.

3. Trying to Stay Strong

You find a way to push through the pain and show up. You’re fragile and could cave like a house of cards at any moment. So when someone asks how you are doing you quickly say, “Fine” and change the subject.

• If you told them how you really felt, then you might fall apart. You know it’s okay to cry. After all, you have been doing it a lot lately. But it is exhausting and hard to stop once you start. When others notice you have been crying, it starts all over again.
• You don’t have a choice, but to be strong and keep going. Others are depending on you! Sharing your story and pain with others does not give you a boost to get through the day.
• Focusing on your work or tasks at hand is a nice break from your harsh reality. Talking about what you are really going through ruins this mental vacation and opportunity to recharge.

Truth: Composure under these circumstances is not an easy feat. Period. In the past, I have texted people ahead of time to say, “Hey! When I see you today, please don’t ask about or bring up ___.” I have also had friends run interference for me by discretely telling others at work or social gatherings to not bring it up. Seeing a therapist and taking a prescribed medication for a short amount of time has also helped me.

4. It’s Not Public Knowledge

The more people there are that know about your pain, the more chances there are that your story will get out. It can be difficult to find people that you can confide in. 

• You don’t want everyone knowing what you are going through. It may be extremely personal, involve other people, or even be embarrassing. 
• You run the risk of someone coming up to you out of nowhere asking about your situation. Getting caught off guard under these circumstances never feels good even if the intentions are good. 
• It also leaves you anxious, wondering who all knows. What version of the story have they heard? What details were included, left out, or misconstrued.

Truth: Talking to others has its benefits, but you MUST be careful who you talk to you. Can you trust them to keep the conversation between the two of you? You also need to consider who you are speaking to. Are they able to provide you with wise counsel?  

In some cases, friends sharing what you’re going through with people you don’t know can be beneficial. Your story may reach someone that can relate to what you are going through and therefore give you someone to talk to. It may even reach the ears of someone that has helpful insight on things you haven’t heard or tried before. 

5. What Can They Do?

You may be surrounded by people that want to help you or try to make your situation better. They are fixers. Telling them what you are going through will send them into “Mission Possible” mode.

• Again, there are some things that they can’t fix. They can’t bring people back from the dead. They can’t cure cancer with a magic wand. They can’t fix a broken marriage or prevent the impact divorce will have on your kids. The list goes on.
• In their determination to help, they bombard you with questions, phone calls, and text messages. They make that somewhat creepy eye contact with you in public places. It can be draining for you, and frustrating for them when they don’t know how to help.
• You aren’t looking for everyone to pity you (even if you do enjoy a good pity party from time to time). 
• You don’t want to make someone feel obligated to support you in some form or fashion.

Truth: You’re right. Under most circumstances the people around you can’t fix or undo THE one thing you wish could be resolved. BUT they can help meet some of your basic needs. If they offer to bring a meal, pick up groceries, mow your yard, let them! If they offer to watch the kids, take you shopping, get your nails done, let them! As you think of things that would help, write them down. That way you are prepared if and when people ask.

Communication is another big key. Sometimes you have to preface the conversation with, “I just want you to listen. I’m not looking for solutions.” or “I just want to vent. Be angry with me.” It’s also okay to tell someone “Thank you, but today I just want to be alone. Please check in with me again soon.” 

If you are going through a valley, I encourage you to turn to God and to those around you for help. As you have probably realized, bottling it up does not do you any good. So what do you have to lose?

If you are supporting someone going through a rough patch, I encourage you to tread lightly. Often times we just want someone to listen, someone to get us out of the house, someone to help defend us when we feel weak. 

How do you get through tough times? How do you show up for the ones you love when they are hurting? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Praying for you, friends.