Whether you call it arguing, discussion, or intense fellowship, we all do this. If you are around the same people long enough, odds are likely that you will disagree at some point. My husband & I spent some quality time when we began dating and hashed out our “fair fighting” rules.
These fair fighting rules can work in any relationship (yay!). The important thing is that you constantly update and troubleshoot y’all’s fair fighting rules as you go through life together.
Below we’ll give you some starting points and then give you our own fair fighting rules. We highly recommend you come up with whatever fair fighting rules work for you and with whomever you’re setting boundaries.
Here are some guidelines on getting started on developing your fair fighting rules.
- Make your rules BEFORE your intense fellowship happens (not during!).
- Make an agreement to both be able to calmly & openly troubleshoot after the argument has occurred (and you’re both in a good head space).
- Make an agreement to be able to call each other out on the fair fighting rules if they are ever broken (at any point during or after when troubleshooting). And if you break the rules, suck it up and adjust your attitude. This is a relationship worth working for, so stick to your promise!
Once you and the other party have agreed to these preliminary terms, begin working on what is practical and appropriate for the relationship. My husband & I have been married since 2011 and we constantly tweak and troubleshoot. It’s not easy and we’re not even close to perfect. This takes a lot of work (and a lot of practice). Here is what works for us:
1.No D word…EVER
We made a promise while we were dating that we would NEVER use the word “divorce”. EVER. When we made this commitment to each other during dating going into marriage, we knew that this would build a foundation of trust.
How this rule helps: I will never doubt whose team my husband is on. He will forever be 100% on our team, as will I. Through the valleys is when we need each other the most, and we will leave no doubt in each others’ minds that we are forever a unit.
2. No name calling
This one is sneakier than it sounds. And for us it has subpoints. This covers:
- calling a direct name, “You’re a ____.”
- indirect name, “You’re acting like a ____.”
- sarcastic/misguided names, “You sound just like your ____.”
- ANYTHING said under breath/behind back/while turned away
How this rule helps: No matter how you spin it, name calling can haunt people for the rest of their lives. The weight and impact that can carry is irreparable and a cancer to a relationship. PERIOD. Plus, the other subpoints are just rude and counterproductive to relationship building. Trust us and our experience when we say that this rule is a must.
3. No bringing up closed cases
This one is SO hard for me. But, dag nabit, I promised this hot, ginger bearded man that I would not bring up a previously solved argument. We, and by “we”, I’m talking about me, said that once we have resolved an argument, it is done. The End. In the event that it is a reoccurring issue, it gets readdressed, gets sent through troubleshooting, and gets reevaluated.
How this rule helps: For me personally, this helps me forgive and give grace. I really struggle with forgiveness because it disguises itself as resentment (who knew, huh?!). I have learned that’s how it creeps back into my heart and festers. Now I know how to see this happening and I can actively shut it down. If it’s something that is still truly bothers me, we plan a couch date and talk about it (following these rules).
4. No leaving the premises
No. Walking. Out. Ever. Too many times you see the sad stories about how the couple was arguing and then the husband went to work, but then he got in a wreck, and now he’s dead. Just awful. We don’t ever want that to be a part of our story. If we need a time out, we say it. We say things like:
- I need a time out
- Can we table this?
- I need some time to get my thoughts together
- I need to decompress for a few minutes
How this helps: You cannot solve problems by running away from them. You have to put your big girl panties on, get your game face on, and face it. In the event it gets too heated and you’re on the verge of breaking any of the fair fighting rules it is your responsibility to speak up. This rule has really helped us at controlling our gut reactions with each other. It has also helped being able to demonstrate love & respect through a disagreement when we’re having intense fellowship, especially when our kids are in earshot.
5. No raised voices
HOW you say something matters. Your TONE matters. This one can apply no matter where you are or with whom you’re speaking. This one can be challenging if you’re an easily excitable person. My husband is an Enneagram 8, so he naturally operates 50 decibels louder than the average person. If you are developing these rules with someone who is naturally louder, give them grace and practice with everyday conversation.
How this rule helps: Rude tone=disrespectful. Always. If you truly care about this person, it is not loving nor kind to speak to someone disrespectfully. This is easier said than done and certainly takes effort and constant awareness. This rule helps us learn to speak gently with one another, no matter what we need to discuss.
Well, there you have it. Our 5 rules to fair fighting. It is never easy and is a ton of work, but man, oh man, is it worth it every time. This takes a lot of self awareness and pursuit of personal growth to make this work. My husband & I are far from perfect. We constantly work on this, and I’m going to probably have to come back to this article “when I need to gather my thoughts” and reread it and apply it.
Relationships with people you love are worth working for. We were built with the need for relationships, so putting our best effort there will produce fruit. Hang in there, friends. It is so worth the work.
What are some of your fair fighting rules? Let’s see if we need to add one of yours to our list! It takes a village!
